Today would have been Dayna's 65th birthday. Truly a milestone for anyone to obtain but today is a pretty somber day for me. I remember on her last birthday, she had to get her drivers license renewed. Not wanting to say what she was thinking on the phone, she decided to text me that the person sitting next to her "smelled bad."
When she finally got near her number, the countdown started until she was walking out of Motor Vehicles and on the phone wanting to know what we were going to do for dinner. Of course, since it was her birthday, we went out for dinner and a quiet evening. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.
Seventeen days later, life would come to an end for Dayna and turn upside down for me. It's hard to figure sometimes how things would have been if the situation would have changed or the outcome would have been more favorable. Life holds a lot of variables and it seems like people are like flags in the wind. Depending on which way the wind blows, that's how people's situations sway.
If she would have just had the heart attack and survived, her career in teaching would be over and we would have moved away from Nevada after her recovery. She wanted to get her Pd.D from a college in Columbia Missouri so, we probably would have moved there for her to get that done.
I knew sitting in the hospital that night that the road was going to be long and difficult but never figured losing her. We walked in together, we walk out together. That's the way it always was and I didn't see anything different this time. All the signs were good but then the radical right turn and all of that started on this day, her birthday.
Sometimes I wonder if she's flying around on her broom from place to place just being or if she's with family that had gone before her. I wonder if she sits on Stonehenge or if she walks the beaches of California like she did in her youth. There are many things I wonder and have wondered since this adventure took the turn.
Uncertainty is something I don't like and I've had a few conversations with people who claim to know what's going on over on the other side. I know that I've heard from Dayna since she died just like my mother heard from my father after he passed. What I get isn't constant but the voice is unmistakable. She doesn't tell me to lock the door, nor take out the trash or anything like that. She tells me that she loves me and she's still mine. I don't know about many people but I kind of take comfort in knowing and feeling that.
I always imagined a great party when I passed with family, friends and of course, Dayna there to greet me. I expected someone to hand me a beer and a cigarette and tell me that everything was going to be alright and laugh like I've never laughed before with people that I truly cared about and the one that I loved with everything I had. Sometimes, it's hard to hold on but we do it because there is nothing else to do.
Happy Birthday my Dayna. I miss you with all the shattered pieces of my heart.